Consult #3

Late Thursday night Brian's mom, Paulette, flew in from the Portland area for Jack's birthday. Friday, Brian took the day off and Paulette, Jack and Brian went to the zoo. I worked and got my hair cut. Jack, the guy who cut my hair, gave me bangs and I kind of freaked out. I have a bad association with bangs. "But you sweep them to the side!" he protested. I have been fighting them to stay over to the side since then. We all went to the mall and Paulette took Jack into Build a Bear for the very first time. Jack absolutely loved it and created his puppy named "Buster". Buster is now a prominent member of our household, getting pushed around in the shopping cart that Tracy gave Jack for his birthday.

On Saturday we mostly got ready for Jack's birthday party. We had the party outdoors at a small local splash pad and everyone seemed to have a good time. Jack was a little too intent on 1) eating his cupcakes and 2) playing his CD's. Jack is obsessed with playing his CD's right now. I pretty much hear nothing but Toddler Tunes although he will occasionally play some classical music and if I'm lucky, some lounge or swing music, which he calls "Mamma Songs".

I took my time running errands on Sunday knowing that Gramma was home helping Brian with the kiddos. It's awesome to have Gramma around to get a break.

My mood has been off lately as I've been fantasizing about my prior life of no obligations: no husband, no kids. I know this is my emotional side talking because I really don't think the single life is that glamorous either. But I think trying to get pregnant for a year and a half and then being pregnant and breastfeeding for the following 4 years has take it's toll on me and I want to be Kelly again, not a wife, a mother or an employee.

I went to Jeanette's after work for her purse party and got two purses but then rushed home to take care of the boys since Brian was heading to a baseball game. My mood coupled with Jack being in the prime of his whining phase was not good. I tend to have a lot of patience with the boys but I spent a lot of time yelling that night.

I explained the situation to Yvonne the next day and she said that my feelings were normal and that I just needed to drink more. I probably do. What she is really saying is to relax and take some time for myself. :-)

So I went to happy hour the next day with some people from work and then to Pilates and didn't feel guilty about seeing Jack for only an hour before he went to bed. It's probably better to spend less time with a patient mother than more time with a mother who is frustrated and yelling.

On Wednesday I went to my 3rd and final surgical consult. This time Brian went with me. I was probably harboring some resentment that he prioritized work over going to the first two consults with me and so I was actually annoyed that he was going to this one (geez sometimes it's confusing to be a woman!) but in the end I was actually glad that he went with me. The doctors were like the three bears: one was too this and the other was too that and the third one was just right. His approach, the time spent with me, and his bedside manner seemed perfect for me and Brian really liked him. I wanted to think more about it though so I didn't schedule anything.

On Thursday night, after spending some time with the boys and still being in my funk, I met up with my friend Mike for what we call a "Bitch Session". These have been going on for years and years. The frequency has diminished during the childbearing years but I realized that I need to up the frequency. There really is no replacement for a male friend who is not your husband. Now you know I have a rule where male friends before you're married are "grandfathered" meaning it is not inappropriate to hang out with them after you're married. I don't have any advice for getting male friends after you're married and wouldn't advise it. The thing about male friends is that you can say whatever outrageous thing is on your mind and they tend to not judge you and they don't relay anything you say to anyone else. They are just not wired to do this like women are. So I got a chance to unload all these feelings and have someone listen and not worry about editing myself. I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and somewhat back to normal, although still tired. I am suspicious of my thyroid again, which can result in personality changes and various other symptoms that don't seem physical so I got a blood test on Friday to rule it out. I am down 3 lbs from normal weight and as much as I would like to attribute to the ROM, I have to rule out my thyroid going berserk again.

On Friday I wanted to take that step to book my surgery but couldn't seem to do it. My biggest fear is looking like a freak even though that probably won't be the case. I called Tracy for some moral support and a half hour later, had the surgery scheduled in December, when I know I can take time off work and the volleyball league will be in hiatus. I will form a committee where we will scour the internet for the perfect breasts for me so that the surgeon has a good photo. I recruited Yvonne for the committee because she has seen me as a B, C, D, DD, and E twice over (through pregnancies and engorgements and the nice breastfeeding stage) and probably has a good sense of what looked best on me.