The Big Day: Mourning and Celebrating

Well, today is the big day. Brian’s “procedure”. I didn’t ask him if it was OK to publicly talk about it, so don’t mention it to him.

I am surprised how emotional I feel about it. I didn’t think I would feel anything but immense relief to know that I will never be pregnant again. But I feel sadness because we are putting to sleep the very thing that gave me two beautiful boys. That’s the emotional side. Because everyone knows that more does not necessarily mean better.

Someone said to Brian, “Why don’t you make Kelly get fixed instead?” I went berserk when I heard this. Besides the fact that a tubal ligation is more invasive than a vasectomy (a 20 minute outpatient procedure), I was the one who was pregnant for 18 months, I was the one who squeezed two babies out of me, I was the one who had to recuperate on a boppy, I was the one who breastfed for a year and am on my way to do that again. I was the one who was deprived of alcohol and coffee and anything spicy for those 18 months of puking and heartburn and back pain and feet in my ribs. And I’m not the one who is fertile 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 60 years of my life! I would be interested to know why a woman would have a tubal ligation over the husband having a vasectomy, except in the case of doing the procedure during a C-section when everything is right there anyway. I suppose I did offer to do it in the event that something happened to me, and so Brian could meet a younger woman who wanted to have kids. I mean, if for whatever reason I got remarried, there is still no way I would ever have a another child. Men can have children until they are in their 70’s. Look at Strom Thurmond and Tony Randall. But Brian said he is done and so here we are. Today marks the end of our child bearing years. Amen.